Cheating
Q: Hi Dr. Laurie. I’m 30 and my boyfriend is 31. I recently found out that he texted an ex and told her he missed her. She reached out to me and told me. He said that nothing happened and I believe him. He said he felt that way at the time but doesn’t feel that way anymore. I was really upset when it happened and didn’t speak to him for a few days. All my friends expected me to break up with him. But I don’t want to and we mended things. They all think I’m crazy and that it’s better to break up now when we’re young rather than down the line. Does cheating always have to be a dealbreaker?
A: I have worked with many couples who want to repair their relationship after infidelity. Usually, with the right therapy, these couples come out stronger with better communication. It is important to understand what led to this breach of boundaries and that your partner take ownership of this. He also needs to understand how this has made you feel and to validate your feelings. If he minimizes his actions or tells you to “just get over it,” then this is not a great sign. Please understand that this event will make you more hypervigilant and more suspicious. It will take time to regain trust. Transparency is important and your partner will need to understand that. You may need a few sessions of couples therapy to help you unpack this and help you both express your feelings in a safe space.
Just Friends
Q: I’m in my mid-20s and I’m friends with a lot of my exes (not that there are that many). There are no leftover feelings there, and pretty much all of my breakups have been amicable. I’m not a big fighter or very dramatic when it comes to relationships, especially compared to what I’ve seen from some of my friends. But I am dating someone new and they think it’s super weird to be friends with anyone they’ve been romantically or sexually involved with. They have said that if I want to take the relationship to the next level, I have to cut these people off. I can sort of understand where they’re coming from but since neither I nor my exes have any feelings for each other at all, I don’t think it’s necessary. I’ve tried to explain it, but they won’t listen. Am I weird for being friends with people I dated or slept with?
A: You are definitely not weird for staying friends with exes. Many people are quite able to have healthy friendships with exes, especially if they ended on good terms and both have moved on emotionally. However, that is not the point. Everyone has their boundaries and comfort levels with such things. If you want to stay with this person, you need to discuss this issue and maybe find a compromise while respecting their boundaries. Trying to convince them otherwise won’t really work as you clearly have different perspectives on the issue. Try to understand your partner’s perspective. They may feel threatened or insecure about these friendships based on their own past experiences or fears about you still having emotional attachments. Obviously communication is key, which means listening to your partner’s discomfort. Can you both find a middle ground that makes you both comfortable? Maybe some of these friends make her more uncomfortable than others? Ultimately, you will need to reflect on whether you are willing to adjust for the sake of the relationship. On the other hand, if your partner gives you an ultimatum, you need to ask yourself if this aligns with the relationship’s values. Both parties need to feel respected, understood, secure and heard.