Helping A Partner With Mental Health Issues
Q: Hi Dr. Laurie. I was wondering if you’ve ever dealt with a couple who has issues like what I am going through with my boyfriend. We are both in our late 30s and he’s going through some mental health issues. He’s pretty depressed. He still goes to work and manages to see friends and get through family functions, and does errands/keeps clean/takes care of himself. On that side of things, I guess I should consider myself lucky. But he doesn’t have the same fun and exciting side that he used to. I still love him of course, but his outlook on life has become darker. When he’s at home with no obligations he doesn’t want to do anything except lay in bed and watch TV or play video games. Occasionally he will apologize for being a “downer” and I tell him it’s okay. He does therapy and is on a low-dose antidepressant but I’m not sure it’s doing anything. Earlier in my life I dated one or two guys who went through similar, and since I was young, I blamed myself and let them drag me down with them. I don’t know what to do now to help him. Whether to just keep supporting any way I can, or exercising tough love. Or just wait it out.
A: This is a tough one. On the one hand you want to be a supportive partner and you have compassion for what he is going through, but on the other hand, this affects your life and your happiness too. Dealing with a partner’s mental health condition requires empathy, patience and healthy boundaries. It’s important to be a good listener without trying to “fix” them. Encourage him to continue with his therapy and maybe even ask to join a session to share how this is affecting you as well and to get a better understanding of him. He also may need a higher dose of his anti-depressant, so encourage him to speak to his psychiatrist. Because depression is a complex condition, it can take time to recover. It’s important that you get support as well for partners of the mentally ill (there are online and community support groups). It is also crucial that you be mindful of your own needs. Supporting someone with depression can be emotionally exhausting, therefore it is important to take care of yourself and set boundaries when needed. Take time for self-care, get support from friends and family, and focus on your own interests. You can also encourage your partner to participate in healthy habits with you (like taking a walk together, cooking a healthy meal, etc.). While being supportive is crucial, there may be times when your partner’s depression becomes overwhelming for you to handle alone. In such a case, it’s a good idea to reach out to a therapist for yourself for guidance.
Alone Time
Q: Long story short—how much alone time is normal in a relationship? I love hanging out with my boyfriend but also make time for my side gig as well as hanging out with friends. So basically, my nights are pretty booked. But when I have a free night, my boyfriend gets insulted if I don’t want to spend it with him, and plan to spend it alone. He never spends any time alone, I just don’t think he understands. But he says it’s weird to have free time and not want to be with him, that it’s not a good look for our relationship. Is he right?
A: I totally agree with you! However, how much alone time a person needs varies from person to person. Negotiating space in a relationship is essential. You should not have to give up time with your friends or for your hobbies to be with someone. A healthy relationship is one where you both keep your individuality but carve out couple time. Your boyfriend doesn’t get it because he may not have much else going on in his life (friends, hobbies, etc.) and thus he depends on you for entertainment. This is not particularly healthy, nor is it on you to be his everything. You need to sit down with him and let him know what your needs are and also find a way to compromise with him so that he doesn’t feel left out and you still get your alone time.