One thing doesn’t change, older men—and women’s—ability to enjoy erotic pleasure. But with age, sex becomes less like the Fourth of July, and more like Thanksgiving. However, even without exploding fireworks, sex can still be great fun—if older men adjust to age-related changes, and if women involved with older men understand what’s happening to their lovers.
Men typically become sexually “older” between 45 and 50. And unhealthy lifestyle (e.g. smoking) accelerates sexual changes, and healthy lifestyle postpones them, but even men with exemplary lifestyles experience age-related sexual changes.
1. Erections become iffy.
After 45, erections rise more slowly and become less firm and reliable. Sexual fantasies are no longer enough. Men need fondling and more vigorous stroking. These changes are normal. Unfortunately, many men fear they’re developing erectile dysfunction (ED). This makes things worse. Anxiety constricts the arteries that carry blood into the penis, making erections even less likely.
Many medical conditions accelerate age-related changes, and contribute to ED: obesity, diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and a sedentary lifestyle.
True ED involves inability to raise erections despite extended, vigorous masturbation. If older men can still get hard solo, they don’t have ED. “My advice to older men with balky erections,” says Palo Alto, California, sex therapist Marty Klein, Ph.D, “Relax, breathe deeply, ask for the kind of touch that excites you. Instead of mourning what you’ve lost, focus on the pleasure you can still enjoy.”
Even true ED need not limit sexual pleasure, says Ken Haslam, M.D., who teaches workshops on sex and aging, “Men don’t need erections to have orgasms. I’m 76, and have wonderful orgasms without erections from hand jobs and oral sex.”
2. Premature ejaculation (PE) may return.
Most people consider PE a young man’s problem. But several studies show that many men of all ages report it. A recent analysis shows that PE affects 31 percent of men in their fifties, 30 percent in their early sixties, 28 percent from 65 to 70, and 22 percent after 75.
PE has two major causes, anxiety and penis-centered sex. Anxiety makes the nervous system more excitable—including the nerves that trigger ejaculation. Young men often feel anxious about sex: Will she let me? How do I do this? The reason PE sometimes returns after 50 is that age-related erection changes make men anxious: Will I get hard? Will I stay hard? What is happening to me?
Our sexual culture is preoccupied with intercourse, which leads men of all ages to believe that erotic pleasure is located largely—or only—in the penis. It isn’t. Older men, in fact, all men, should embrace leisurely, playful, whole-body touching and sensual massage, which reduces anxiety and spreads arousal all over the body. This takes pressure off the penis and reduces PE risk. It also pleases women, whose most common sexual complaint is that it’s too rushed and too genital-focused.
3. Intercourse fades.
Intercourse is fundamental to reproduction, but after the reproductive years, it becomes problematic. Older men develop iffy erections and ED. Older women develop vaginal dryness and atrophy (thinning of the vaginal lining), which can make intercourse uncomfortable or impossible, even with lubricant.
Older couples who remain sexual typically jettison intercourse in favor of “outercourse,” whole-body massage, oral sex, and playing with sex toys. With creative outercourse, older couples can enjoy very erotic, orgasmic sex without intercourse.
4. Surprisingly few older men use erection drugs.
The myth is that older men pop erection pills routinely. Actually, few have even tried them, let alone become regular users. German researchers surveyed 3,124 older men, 40 percent of whom reported erection difficulties. Ninety-six percent could name an erection drug, but only 9 percent had ever tried one. Cornell researchers surveyed 6,291 older men, half of whom complained of erection problems. How many had tried a drug? Just 7 percent. As older lovers take intercourse off the sexual menu, men no longer need erections, so they don’t need erection drugs.
5. Men’s sexual pace becomes more like women’s.
Young men become aroused more quickly than young women, and many young women complain, He’s all finished before I even feel aroused. But older men take longer to become aroused. The transition to slower arousal is disconcerting for many men, but it means that the sexual discord of youth can evolve into new sexual harmony. Compared with young lovers, older couples are more sexually in synch. Couples who appreciate this can enjoy more fulfilling sex at 65 than they had at 25—even without erections and intercourse.